"From Best Friend to Board Chairman: A Guide to A Dog’s Hostile Takeover" - Mary Boyce

Look, I love dogs, but we have officially let these animals run the household. I went over to a friend’s house last week and found her Golden Retriever, Buster, sitting right at the dinner table in an actual highchair. I asked her, "Why is the dog at the table like he’s about to lead us in prayer?" She looked at me completely serious and said, "Buster gets lonely on the floor; it hurts his feelings." I kid you not, she started cutting up a prime rib steak into tiny squares and blowing on them so he wouldn't burn his mouth. I’m standing there with a glass of tap water, watching a dog get better service than a king at a five-star hotel. If I tried to sit in a highchair and demand steak, she’d call the paramedics, but Buster gets a napkin tucked into his collar!

Then you have the people who have completely given up on the idea of a dog actually walking. I saw a guy in the park the other day pushing one of those fancy strollers—the kind that costs more than my first car. I thought I was going to see a cute baby, so I peeked inside to say hello. Instead, I’m staring at a Bulldog wearing a denim jacket and actual sunglasses. The guy told me the dog had "sensitive feet" and didn't like the texture of the grass. The dog was just sitting there, leaning back with his paws up, looking at me like, "Keep moving, buddy, I’m on a schedule." We’ve gone from "man’s best friend" to "man’s personal Uber driver." That dog wasn't sick; he was just lazy and had a better wardrobe than I do!

A Message from Mary Boyce

"I just want to say a huge thank you to all of my amazing followers! To everyone who follows my journey and comes out to see me at every single show, you have no idea how much your support means to me. You all are the reason I love getting up on that stage. Thank you for the laughs, the love, and for being there every step of the way. I can’t wait to see you all at the next show!"