“How Texans Prepare for Winter: Panic, Groceries, and Prayer” - CEO Mary Boyce

Texans treat winter like it’s the end times. The forecast says, “possible ice accumulation,” and suddenly the whole state becomes a live episode of Walking Dead but with more Suburban and fewer zombies. People rush into H-E-B like they’re preparing for seven months underground, loading carts with milk, eggs, bread, two watermelons, and a family-sized brisket because “you never know.”

The funniest part is the ice itself. Other states get actual snow. In Texas, the “storm” is usually one disrespectful snowflake that immediately melts on contact like it saw the electric bill and gave up. Schools still close. Businesses still shut down. Aunt Mary still calls at 6 a.m. to warn you “roads are slick,” and the roads are, in fact, perfectly dry.

Nobody in Texas can drive in winter weather either. One frozen bridge and every highway become a demolition derby at 12 miles per hour. Even the news anchors say, “If you don’t have to leave your home, please don’t,” which is Texan for: y’all can’t handle this. Stores close early, churches cancel service, and Texans bunker down with enough food to survive until spring — all for a storm that leaves behind half an ice cube and a memory. Comedy loves contrast, and Texans vs. winter is one of the classics.

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