Why Texas Is So Hot Right Now (And 5 Terrible Ideas to Survive the Heat Wave)

TEXAS IS NOT JUST HOT. IT IS A PERSONAL INSULT! WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING ON THE SURFACE OF THE SUN! OPENING YOUR FRONT DOOR FEELS LIKE GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY A VOLCANO!

WALK OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW! DO IT! YOUR EYEBROWS WILL DISAPPEAR IN THREE SECONDS! YOUR SHADOW IS CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR SHADE! THIS ISN'T A WEATHER PATTERN! IT IS A FULL-SCALE ASSAULT BY THE ATMOSPHERE!

WELCOME TO THE LATEST EDITION OF THE JOKE OF THE WEEK! I’M MARY BOYCE AND I AM OFFICIALLY COOKED!

TEXAS VS THE WORLD: THE ULTIMATE ROAST

PEOPLE FROM OTHER STATES LOVE TO COMPLAIN! "OH, IT’S 90 DEGREES IN NEW YORK, THE SUBWAY IS HUMID!" PLEASE! SHUT UP! 90 DEGREES IN TEXAS IS WHAT WE CALL "SHADE"!

IN FLORIDA, THEY HAVE HUMIDITY! BIG DEAL! YOU’RE WET! IN TEXAS, WE HAVE THE HUMIDITY OF A SAUNA COMBINED WITH THE HEAT OF AN INDUSTRIAL PIZZA OVEN! IT’S NOT A "DRY HEAT"! IT’S A "YOUR-PLASTIC-DASHBOARD-IS-TURNING-INTO-LIQUID" HEAT!

LOOK AT ARIZONA! THEY SAY IT’S A DRY HEAT! SO IS MY AIR FRYER, BUT I DON’T SIT IN IT AND EAT LUNCH!

IN COLORADO, THEY HIT 85 AND START PANICKING! THEY PUT ON EXTRA SUNSCREEN AND CALL A TOWN HALL MEETING! AT 85 DEGREES IN DALLAS, WE ARE STILL DRINKING HOT COFFEE ON THE PORCH! WE DON'T EVEN TURN THE AC ON UNTIL THE SIDEWALK STARTS SMOKING!

THIS IS WHY OBSERVATIONAL COMEDY IN TEXAS IS JUST US POINTING AT THINGS MELTING! "LOOK, THE MAILMAN HAS DISINTEGRATED!" HAHA! SO RELATABLE!

5 TERRIBLE IDEAS TO SURVIVE THE HEAT WAVE

DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME! OR DO! I’M A COMEDIAN, NOT A DOCTOR!

1. THE BLUE BELL SUIT

WHY EAT THE ICE CREAM WHEN YOU CAN WEAR IT? TAKE TWENTY CARTONS OF HOMEMADE VANILLA! DUCT TAPE THEM TO YOUR BODY!

YOU WILL BE COOL FOR EXACTLY FOUR MINUTES! AFTER THAT, YOU ARE JUST A STICKY, MILKY DISASTER IN THE MIDDLE OF A 7-ELEVEN PARKING LOT! BUT HEY, AT LEAST YOU SMELL LIKE A BIRTHDAY PARTY!

2. DASHBOARD COOKIE BAKERY

STOP PAYING FOR ELECTRICITY! YOUR FORD F-150 IS NOW A KITCHEN APPLIANCE!

SLAP SOME CHOCOLATE CHIP DOUGH ON THE DASHBOARD AT 10:00 AM! BY NOON, YOU HAVE FRESH COOKIES AND A THIRD-DEGREE BURN FROM THE GEAR SHIFT! IS IT WORTH IT? YES! FREE SNACKS!

3. THE "REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY" METHOD

DRINK A SCALDING HOT LATTE WHILE SITTING IN A SAUNA! TELL YOUR BRAIN THAT OUTSIDE IS ACTUALLY COLD!

IF YOU ARE 200 DEGREES ON THE INSIDE, 110 DEGREES OUTSIDE FEELS LIKE AN ALASKAN BREEZE! THIS IS THE KIND OF LOGIC THAT MAKES TEXAS ONE OF THE BEST PLACES FOR LIVE STAND-UP COMEDY! WE ARE ALL CLEARLY HALLUCINATING FROM THE HEAT!

4. MOVE TO OKLAHOMA

JUST KIDDING! DON’T DO THIS! NEVER DO THIS!

IT MIGHT BE FIVE DEGREES COOLER, BUT IT’S STILL OKLAHOMA! WE HAVE PRIDE! WE WOULD RATHER COMBUST SPONTANEOUSLY IN HOUSTON THAN LIVE NORTH OF THE RED RIVER!

5. THE H-E-B PERMANENT RESIDENCY

WALK INTO THE PRODUCE SECTION! FIND THE MISTERS! STAND THERE FOREVER!

TELL THE MANAGER YOU ARE A NEW TYPE OF HUMAN KALE! IF THEY TRY TO KICK YOU OUT, HIDE IN THE FROZEN VEGETABLE AISLE! SLEEP ON THE PEAS!

THANK YOU ALL AND STAY SAFE AND HYDRATED! - MARY BOYCE COMEDY -